DEAR CAROLYN: I’ve been with my girlfriend about a year and, even though I love her, some days I consider breaking up with her over her eating habits.
There are so many criteria for what she’ll eat and won’t eat, and there’s no pattern to it, but they all add up to a lot of restrictions. Also, the preparation has to be just right or it “ruins the meal.” If a grilled cheese is slightly less or more golden brown than she likes, then it’s “awful.” And portions have to be exactly equal. She goes so far as to count individual pieces of meat in a stew.
She also gets extreme anxiety about ordering at restaurants. She won’t order without first knowing what everyone else at the table is getting. And she’ll quiz a waitress forever about what goes into a dish even though she’s not allergic to anything. After she orders, she’s consumed with anxiety about whether she’ll like it or not. And if she doesn’t like it, then her whole night is ruined and she makes a big deal about it, moaning about what an awful mistake she made. She stays upset sometimes for days afterward.
I don’t really understand where it comes from or how to help her. She doesn’t see any problem with her behavior and says she just cares about what she eats and that’s why she’s in such good health. I’m in good health, too, and I can order a burger without sending the waitress back to the kitchen to find out what kind of sea salt is used. Any suggestions for me?
Don’t Understand
DEAR DON’T: Yes. Stop framing this as a matter of “eating habits.” That unduly minimizes your concern: If you say you’ve considered breaking up because she makes a three-day opera out of ordering a grilled cheese, then in one phrase you’re allowing yourself to express frustration but also slapping yourself down for being petty.
So, stop. And use the fuller explanation: Your girlfriend has such a serious, untreated [anxiety, eating, or other disorder here] that spending time with her has become a chore.
That’s the actual problem.
Since it involves an essential life function and since she treats it as a virtue, you can expect a future of this exact problem daily, forever — if not more of it and spread to other things.
So please tell her you have had enough. Break up if she doesn’t address the problem. Not enjoying someone’s company anymore is all the rationale you need.
DEAR CAROLYN:
Re: Food
I was a notoriously “picky” (read: obsessive and anxious) eater and I always considered it a positive quirky element about myself.
One day my now-husband turned to me and said, “You have made restaurants not fun for me anymore,” along with an ultimatum that I confront my “eating nightmares.”
I was angry at first, but I was already in therapy and brought it up. It led to treatment for a type of obsessive eating I think is pretty common. I had overbearing parents and my picky eating was a stubborn reaction that stuck.
I’m still picky about a few things, but I don’t make my husband want to bang his head on the table anymore.
Anonymous
DEAR ANONYMOUS: That took courage — thank you.
Adapted from a recent online discussion. Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
