I think I would need a PhD in psychiatry, The Art of War tattooed on my forearm for easy referencing, the birth charts for every member of the cast (and maybe their current Bahamian butlers too????), and Marie Kondo in my pocket whispering to me how to sort through all this M-E-S-S in order to stand a chance of figuring out who is at the head of this snake weaving its way through The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, taking down friendships, all the men named John who work at Vanderpump Dogs, and ever so many otherwise lovely meals in the process.
That’s right, in season 9 of RHOBH, the fourth wall is being destroyed faster than you can Google Image search “you’re such a fucking liar Camille gif,” and copy and paste it into the group text because it’s impossible to find in the iPhone image library, and someone has just texted that they’re running 45 minutes late because her Uber driver is soooo slow (yeah, okay Camille)…
All of that to say: the truth of what has everyone so tense is revealing itself fairly quickly considering we’re only three episodes into the season, but it’s going to take a little work and maybe a few Googles to understand what they’re really fighting about. The way I see it thus far, this turn on LVP isn’t really about Teddi and Kyle feeling played…or Dorit being gossiped about (insofar as gossip can be gossip when it’s true) — it’s about Lisa Rinna being tired of Lisa Vanderpump’s bullsh—. Rinna basically sat out season 8; now, she has returned for blood. And I can see where she’s coming from — Vanderpump has certainly planted drama seeds before and then turned full-Peter-Rabbit-tail to scurry away from the (Munchausen) garden before those seeds started to sprout on camera. But the thing about it is…
Lisa Vanderpump can’t pull strings where there are no strings to pull. She might have done exactly what Rinna is suggesting she always does, but if Teddi and Kyle just…never say anything about Lucy Lucy Apple Juice then it never becomes an issue. And if LVP wants it to become an issue, then that’s the worst kind of revenge they could dole out: the queen would actually have to roll around in the mud herself. But most of all — I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE to tolerate Dorit squeezing out victim tears over a bowl of flash-fired Brussels sprouts BECAUSE SHE ALMOST GOT A DOG KILLED!!!
Alright, now that I’ve made myself clear, let’s get down to enough passive aggression to make your ears sweat:
The women are embarking upon a truly enviable vacation in the Bahamas that we are really still pretending like Dorit is paying for even as she enters every room saying: I love it here at Baha Mar Resorts, where kids eat free on Tuesdays! All of the suites that Dorit in no way sponsored are indeed gorgeous, but Erika’s suite is a little different, given that when she enters it there are two men with arms the size of toddlers and one Mikey, all of whom of course comprise her Travelocity Roaming Gnome Glam Squad.
Dorit also has a (smaller, quieter) glam squad but they must be hidden somewhere in the 45 rooms that make up the Chairman’s Suite. Perhaps they’ve taken cover to avoid one of LVP’s many, many flying jabs at Dorit. Listen, I get having complete and utter disdain for a woman who hiccups all of her vowels in hopes that it will make her sound rich or like her husband isn’t actually a potato she kept at the bottom of the cupboard for too long so she threw a v-neck on it once it sprouted arms and legs, and married it, but…
Lisa has told Dorit that she’s fine with the dog situation, and yet she seems like she’d rather be sitting in one of the Vanderpump Rules kids’ window-unit apartments than standing on this personal terrace the size of the East Village. So I don’t much blame Dorit when she finally says, “Just tell me, are you happy to be very good friends with me?” At this point, their precious butler for the week — Elvis, who thought they’d all been having a good time — kind of moonwalks out of frame. And I’m glad for him because the wave of hostility when Lisa responds, “Right now, I’m reaping the benefits, yes, but I don’t know how long this will go on,” could have swept that small man into the ocean.
It should not be forgotten though that Lisa Vanderpump has just gone through an awful tragedy with the suicide of her brother, and as many of the women note, grief impacts everyone differently. Of course, they say that, but they also seem to be put off with the snippy way LVP is acting toward them. Perhaps some drinks will put everyone at ease, then…
