The Bachelor recap: ‘Maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor!’

Even though The Bachelor has finished filming, do you think Colton still can’t take a shower without feeling like he’s being watched? We’re not five seconds into episode 2 before this happens:

But honestly, the Shower Cam is the least of Colton’s worries this week. Now they even have him doing his own camera work! “It’s the morning of the first group date,” the shirtless Bachelor tells us from bed, in a phone video shot selfie-style. “Today we’re going to be going to a theater to [slightly uncomfortable pause] tell stories of our firsts.”

Oh Lord, I’ve heard enough. Harrison, please get in here with the date card. Onyeka is raring to get “more competitive” with her fellow “ladies” for Colton’s attention. The group date goes to: Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Onyeka, and Catherine. Get on the bus, gals, because there are some #RelationshipGoals waiting for you on stage at the Regent Theater.

“I’m Lauren H., I’m 23, and I work in retail,” says Ms. Megan Mullally, by way of introduction. Her (frighteningly bald) husband Nick Offerman informs the women that their first-time stories should be “full of adventure and romance” and “brought to a rousing climax.” Megan kicks things off by telling a story called “The First Time I [bleeped] Someone” — though I’m pretty sure she said “kissed” rather than anything truly bleep-able. Nick’s story involves the “velvety petals” of a woman’s “blossom” — so yeah, these two are looking for sex stories. Of course, the “ladies” will be performing these stories in front of an audience of 200 people who had nothing better to do when a PA approached them on the street. Chop chop, girls! Put those pens to paper!

“You ever spoke in front of 200 people before?” Colton asks FIR winner Hannah G. (He said “spoke,” not “spoken” — I listened about four times, hoping each time that I misheard him. Sigh.) Anyhow, his advice for HG is “pretend like everybody’s in their underwear.” Solid.

The “First Comes Love” show begins with Colton telling us all about the first time he admitted — to a fellow athlete, no less — that he was a virgin. The response (“Wow, man, that’s really cool”) was not what he expected, and our Bachelor says he felt as though a burden had been lifted. Gee, this is kind of fun – let me try! The first time I watched The Bachelor, I was 16 years younger, 10 pounds lighter, and at least 43 I.Q. points smarter. (Next: Demi takes charge)

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