Vanderpump Rules recap: A gay old time

Tonight’s Vanderpump Rules was a rough one for James’s girlfriend, Raquel. I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt since she’s sort of a newbie but she should now remember two of the most important rules of Rules: 1) Never go to the bathroom — bad things happen in there. 2) Never fall asleep — your boyfriend will probably have sex with someone else in front of you.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We open the same night as the engagement of Jax and Brittany. They arrive back at their WeHo apartment with Jax elegantly carrying a half-empty Corona bottle. The whole gang is waiting for the two thanks to the partying planning abilities of Stassi (she sent some texts and asked people to like some photos). The weirdest part of the evening is the fact that Lisa shows up to their place. I would have loooved to have been a fly on the wall when Lisa first noticed their peephole frame from Friends. In keeping with decorum and HR rules, Lisa asks Katie if Schwartz’s penis is now working. Katie confirms it is indeed. Speaking of, Jax and Brittany thank everyone for coming and then dismiss them so that they can have sex.

But it’s not just the heteros who are celebrating! It’s gay pride on Vanderpump Rules, which is a magical day that usually means costumes, flavored shots, sideboob, and screaming matches in Sur’s alley. Lemme tell you: Pride did not disappoint this year! It’s an ’80s theme which leads to a lotta neon and leotards and rainbow suspenders that either make people look like Gallagher or a gay farmer (sorry Ken).

There’s (sorta) calm before the storm with all the Sur staffers checking in and the return of Jax, who begged Lisa to give him his job back. Weirdly, Jax just completely ignores the ‘80s theme but does rock a neon pink shirt. Kristen sneaks into the back of the restaurant with her secret weapon: a rando named Hope. Apparently, Hope made out with James in front of Kristen right after they broke up and the ladies formed a friendship. That feels like unsteady ground for a trustworthy relationship but Godspeed. Hope then allegedly hooked up with James while Raquel was sleeping at Coachella. Remember: DON’T FALL ASLEEP.

Kristen and Hope grab Raquel, who really needs to use the restroom, and confront her in the teeny tiny toilet. Raquel is obvs skeptical of Kristen since she can often be the Mayor of Crazytown. Meanwhile, James is actually making up with Jax and Brittany in the bar area. He even gifts them a tequila basket, which def looks like a second-hand item he got at like a gifting suite, probably at Coachella. Also, tequila is probably one of the reasons that got James in trouble after he “freestyled” and embarrassed Brittany.

Raquel emerges from the bathroom and is really upset but James deflects. “Everyone is obsessed with me,” he yells. I’m pretty sure that is definitely not the case. At one point, Raquel tries to imitate the vocal fry of Hope and it’s both really meta and bad because it just sounds like Raquel in a higher octave. James storms out into the alley but not before Raquel can utter this final chilling statement: “I still haven’t gone pee!!!!”

In the alley, Lala tries to talk sense into Raquel but she won’t budge…probably because she’s afraid she’ll tinkle. Then, Kristen comes out with Hope and keeps digging in and shaming James. He then storms off but not before making fun of Katie’s weight. It’s unclear if Raquel ever got to go pee. Happy Pride!

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